It has been a surreal month. Everyone tells you that your life and everything you know about it changes instantly, but you cannot really understand that until it happens. I thought I knew, I thought I would take it all in stride, I thought I could handle just about anything that was thrown at me with ease. Ha! I was WRONG. From the moment I realized that "labor" had begun for real, I grew calm, but did not feel totally in control. I did know that God was in control and would carry me through whatever was to happen that morning, but I can only describe the experience of intense physical pain and desire to push as an out-of-body experience. The adrenaline that pulses through your veins takes over and you do what is instinctually in your power.
There were several moments that morning that stick out for me. The moment I realized Ryan needed to go get the car and we didn't need to take our time getting to the hospital. The moment my water broke. The moment when it was verified that meconium was present in the water and the babies would be coming out soon. The moment in the OR when I was told to hold still (through several contractions with an indescribable desire to push or scream) while they inserted a needle into my spine. The moment when Ryan looked at me and said Emily had been born. The moment when the doctor held Evan up over the drape for literally a second and then he was gone. The moment when both babies were held next to me. Then the moment of holding each of them for the first time in the NICU. It wasn't until the next morning that I realized I had been through a lot!
The next days and weeks were the same and still are to a degree. I am not as calm as while in labor, but I still have moments of calm and I do not feel in control at all! While the twins were in the NICU, we had a schedule. When they came home, I tried to maintain that schedule, but found myself stressed and unhappy trying to do something I could not and that the twins did not naturally follow. For those who know me well, the schedule was and still is hard to let go. I like being in control and with these little ones, I am not. (It is in these moments that I am being taught new, yet familiar lessons by God.) He is showing me so much already about letting go and giving myself and my children - who really belong to Him anyway - over to His desires and ways.
The past month has been painful physically in more ways than one, but that too is passing and changing for the better. I am blessed to have a husband that is willing to do whatever we need to care for these children and myself. I almost gave up trying to breastfeed, but with support from him, my family, friends, and professionals, we are trying to figure it out. It has gotten better, and I know it will be enjoyable at some point. That is how God designed it! I just need to trust my body and my kids growing bodies and know that we can figure it out together.
I look at my children and see two distinct people, one who looks like me and one who looks like Ryan and I am amazed. We created these two lives; with the help of God and Dr. Miller, of course! These lives that God will use to change Ryan and I and many other people too. I pray that I can be a mother who listens, cares, and really knows my children. A mother that loves her children like Christ.
Currently we are feeding around the clock and having a lot of spit up. We go back to the doctor on Friday and I am going to ask about reflux. I am not sure, but I am worried that Emily especially might have reflux. Please pray for both of them and their little tummies.
On a happier note, the twins met their Aunt Melissa, Uncle David and cousin Elliott! My brother and SIL are visiting from Louisville with Elliott! It was really great to see them and have more hands to pass babies too. I am amazed how big Mr. E has gotten since March! He is standing and trying to walk already and when you put him next to the twins, he looks HUGE! I am looking forward to hanging out with them this week. I took some pictures, but will upload them later...it's late.
I will leave you with the twins newborn pictures however. We had a great photographer come to our home and take some pictures for us. Below you will find the work of Jessica Weinstock! Enjoy!
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